A Whole New Kind of Sorrow


This month my husband and I miscarried a baby. I had heard women talk of their loss and sorrow before, but I never could understand their pain and the physical hardship until this “storm” swept over me. It was like I was undone. I could barely get out of bed, speak, or function at times. The tears and weeping seemed endless. I knew these things take time, and I knew God was good and faithful. My heart had peace and yet the tears still flowed unceasingly.

I remember laying in bed one day and thinking I feel like someone died.  Someone did die, and though I never met them, I felt ever so connected to them as I grieved their loss of life. It’s a strange and surreal feeling. It’s hard to explain and put into words. At times I felt my body itself was grieving even more than my mind. Like my body knew it has lost something so real, and yet never seen.

I was reminded of Job’s words, “Shall we not accept both the good and the bad from G0d?” For weeks before the miscarriage happened, G0d had been speaking to me about hardship and the maturity and growth that comes through difficult times. Even as my heart grieved this past month, and still is, I could feel G0d asking me, “Are you willing to let me be glorified in this too?”  I know G0d can bring good of hardship. I know somehow He can get the glory and turn mourning into dancing and sorrow into praise. I was reminded that “for the joy set before him, Je$us endured the cross.”  It’s not that He willed or wanted the cross, but out of choosing to trust the Father, He endured and set His face on the joy that would come.  It’s not that I am happy this miscarriage happened, and I never would have asked for it, but it’s by faith that I now fix my eyes on Jesus, and say, “Be thou glorified! Father, find a way to bring joy!” And somehow this act of my will and trust in the Father give me the endurance to face today, and trust for tomorrow.

I can’t help but also think of the Father’s heart as he grieves for those who have yet to meet him. He feels that ever so connected feeling of creating them, and longing to meet them, but the unmet desire when His creation chooses another way. When death resides and hope is lost in their lives. The Father feels this deeply. He grieves for His children.


I don’t know why G0d allowed this to happen. But I know I am growing somehow through it. I am learning His heart more, and today all I can say is “Be glorified!”.

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