The Nails of Life

So it seems I write when my heart is grieved, heavy, or troubled. It’s not often I write when life is at it’s joyous heights. As I look back over the blogs of the last few months, most share the “nails of  life”. The hardships either I or those I care about are facing. And isn’t it true? It is in suffering that we grow and learn and find more of Jesus. It is the molding mechanism through which I see Christ more and am shaped into His likeness.

The last 3 months have contained the grief of the loss of our little one from our own miscarriage in July; the angst of a family in the midst of divorce and ugly lies; the grief of sweet friends in the loss of their unborn baby lost at 5 months; and the restlessness of my spirit as I was confined to bed-rest with complications in our new pregnancy. Bittersweet was the taste I felt each day, grateful I was breathing and my baby was still alive each day. Bitter at the events and circumstances around me.

In a profound moment a few weeks ago, I realized I was mad at God. I was reading Matthew 16 where Jesus asks Peter, “but who do you say I am?” And I asked myself that same question.  I say God is Healer, Redeemer, Savior, Restorer, Helper, Friend, and more.  And if I believe that, then that means I am healed, whole, saved, complete, helped and a friend. I realized I was mad at God and I wasn’t looking beyond the current circumstances to trust the Lord for the unseen things, the greater glory, the eternal bliss He has in store. I was disappointed that so many circumstances in my life and around me were not how I would have envisioned them or desired them to be. I felt the loss of life and the sting of the enemy’s lies and theft, as well as the broken expectations of my own heart. I cried my confession and repentance out to the Lord with deep sobbing breaths. “Oh Lord! Forgive me! Forgive me for the ways I have been angry with you and thought my ways better than yours. Forgive me for blaming you and not trusting in you. Forgive me for not allowing you to be God, and to reign supreme over these events. Forgive me for not seeing you as greater than these things. Forgive me for playing God and thinking my ways were higher than yours. Oh Mighty God!”. All I could pray was come and rescue me, take my grief, take my sorrow, take the loss and all the enemy has taken away, and use it for Your glory. Restore to me the joy of my salvation and the truth of your word which says You are good!

Talk about the “nails of life”. I am pretty sure Jesus was all too familiar with those nails. Both His and mine. Was I not willing to trust a God who has been through it all and defeated death, sorrow, and the grave?  So in the grace of God, through the nails of life I am growing, seeing my need more and more; the grace and sovereignty of God more and more; and the love of God which abounds more and more. And I am reminded that it was through the nail scared hands that doubting Thomas believed. Perhaps it’s through these nails of life that I am also, once again, learning to believe and faith is growing. "Beauty for ashes"!