Undoing for His Glory

I haven't updated in about a month and I am not even sure where to begin. After weeks in bed and struggling physically; a six day hospital stay; and a transition to medical leave and coming to the States, I feel my whole life has been a bit undone. This isn't what I expected to happen. I expected to feel better, be back on my feet and be running, trekking back to the villages, and visiting my families I invest in each week. 

I didn't expect this diagnosis of POTS. I didn't expect my doctor to tell me some people live their whole lives with these symptoms. I didn't expect this. 

This medical leave isn't something I wanted or asked for. People keep asking me how I am "enjoying" America. I have resented that question. I can't leave my bed some days. I can hardly sit up or walk most days. My symptoms come in waves that at times leave me breathless and speechless and deeply frustrated. Everything I love to do I haven't been able to do. I love kayaking and running and hiking. I love cooking for my family and helping my parents. I love visiting friends and family, and catching up with long deep conversations. I love going to my favorite little coffee shops with those I love. I love art and painting and drawing. I can't do any of that. My shaky hands and faint knees and breathless voice make none of that possible.  

So when people ask me how I am "enjoying" America, what I want to say is "No! No I am not enjoying this!" But just like the Holy Spirit is faithful to do, He tempers me and calms me and reminds me of his presence. He reminds me "this too shall pass." He places that ever so clear check in my spirit: "everything you love you can't do? Really? Everything? What about me, Christina? Do you love me?" 

And just like that I am brought to my knees again. I am reminded of this God I love and serve and give my all to. I am reminded of how I say I will lay down my life for Him; how I will move to India for Him; and I will even die for Him.  But suddenly, not being able to easily walk or talk or visit people shakes me and it's like I forgot He is "enough for me!” I see my true heart and quite literally it hurts me. This is not where I want my allegiances to lay. This is not what I want to be thinking. 

I am quick to see my words and thoughts and the pain it must cause the Father. My fulfillment. My peace. My joy. My life, MUST be founded in Him. I need not be shaken though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea. Even then He holds me steadfast. He is enough for me! He is all I need. I love Him and He can't be taken away, EVER!

I can fine joy in Him even when I am not enjoying circumstances because I love Him and He loves me. And He is indeed enough. 

And as quickly as the Holy Spirit shows me my flesh, I repent and find my peace and hope once again in HIM! He is my healer. My redeemer. My fortress. My rest. My all in all! 

This season is clearly about learning to abide. Learning rest. Learning more of Jesus Himself who is rest. I am learning I don't need anyone or anything and I don't need to do anything. Jesus alone is enough. It's a lesson I thought I knew, but clearly have needed to experience for the truths of that reality to run deeper within me. 

While it seems there is a mixture of the oppression of spiritual warfare and physical elements tied into this season, this season is not a plague, as I once believed it to be. It is a gift and indeed I am beginning to see JOY Himself! 

I wonder how long it took Joseph to see the pit in the desert was the beginning of God placing him on the Throne? Maybe it was when he said these words: "

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what
is now being done, the saving of many lives." Gen 50:20

I believe today, and in the days to come, I can say what the enemy intended for evil, God intended to accomplish His good, in me and in the saving of souls. This is God's undoing for Glory. I know many others who in the last few months have faced death and the loss of loved ones. I know others awaiting the death of spouses and loved ones. I recognize how hardship and the unexpected things of life can undo us. Others have it much harder than I do. Through the lesser degree that I have experienced hardship, I have hope that they too will some day find there is a Glory to behold in undoing.

I pray that through this season my roots would go down deeper into the soil of Jesus and that I would truly know how deep and wide and long His love is for me. I pray I can better share this knowledge of His love with others. I pray I would truly know that nothing can separate me from His love, neither death nor life, no angel or demon.... 

I haven’t lost everything I love. I love Jesus and nothing can take Him away. Nothing! 

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